“First, Do No Harm” by Laura Wagner

Laura Wagner is a mad, fat, Jewish, autistic, lesbian poet whose work centers on madness and survival, tracing the ongoing work of recovery and healing. She is the author of the self-published chapbook “this emptiness is so damn heavy”, which explores the path from the depths of illness to the beginnings of healing from eating disorders, mental illness, and trauma. She can be found on instagram @ l.aurawagner

“First, Do No Harm” is a piece I originally wrote in 2017, a little over 3 years after my discharge from my first admission to a psych ward and have edited slightly in the years since. It follows the way that I was abused by another patient and that this abuse was overlooked by, and in some ways facilitated by, hospital staff. It draws a connection between the lack of rights/privileges that you have in the hospital and the lack of autonomy that I had over my own body in this situation. It contains mention of suicide, sexual abuse/harassment, and eating disorder behavior so please read with care.

Since writing the piece, I have learned that my experience was not an isolated one and that dozens of patients have experienced sexual abuse at the hands of other patients or even staff at this particular hospital. The neglect, failure to intervene, turning of heads, invalidation, and victim blaming of the staff at the hospital come together to create a wholly unsafe environment where patients are still expected to be able to experience some semblance of healing. The poem is a condemnation of this laissez faire attitude from those entrusted with our safety and the policies and structures of these units that foster abuse in various forms.